Jeri's sorrow: Thanatos
by Gabriel-San
Summary: Songfic. Jeri was happy with Leomon. She had everything. Now he's gone. So Jeri wants nothing. Angst. Death.


Triple threat. Three angsty songfics, all with various endings. Let's see what you think of this.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters and am only using them for the purposes of entertainment. The song "Thanatos (If I can't be yours)" is from the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion" and is not mine either.

What's your opinion? Write to me at DeMachina@cs.com Flamers: Grow up. MSTers: There's worse out there. Regular commenters: I'd love it.

**Jeri's sorrow: Thanatos**

By: Gabriel

**~~Now it's time, I fear to tell~~**

"Jeri?" Takato slowly approached the young tamer, holding a hand to, ready to comfort her. They were all back in the human world, minus Leomon, of course. Jeri hadn't said anything to anyone, an understandable reaction. But now, Takato wanted to help her.

"Don't..." Jeri whispered, shoulders drooping a little more. On her hand she had placed her precious fox puppet, and in it's mouth was her functionless Digivice.

"Come on Jeri, you've gotta talk to us. You won't ever feel better if you don't..." Takato drew closer, still keeping his hand out for her.

"I said no..." the young girl whispered, sliding away a little bit, clutching her puppet close to her chest, tears threatening at the corners of her eyes.

"Please..." Takato finally got close enough to Jeri to place his hand on her shoulder and stroke lightly.

**~~I've been holding it back so long~~**

Jeri couldn't be blamed for her reaction. She'd kept everything bottled up inside of her, just like always. But this was more than just little everyday troubles. Her partner, the love of her life was dead. So it wasn't so surprising that she jerked away from Takato's touch and started screaming. "Don't touch me! Nobody touch me!" She flailed her free arm at Takato, missing him every time, until she finally just dropped to her knees, the tears no longer threatening, but now pouring in rivers down her cheeks. "Only Leomon can touch me... Don't come near me..."

Rika walked over to Takato and gave him an appropriate bonk on the top of his head. "You idiot! What were you thinking?"

"Ow! Hey! I was just trying to help..."

"Obviously you didn't. Looks like you made it worse." Rika looked down at the other female tamer, who was pounding the ground with her uncovered fist and sobbing loudly.

"Maybe we all should just go home. A little rest might be good for all of us, especially Jeri." Henry suggested, gathering Susie, Terriermon and Lopmon into his arms for the journey home.

"Good idea. Jeri? You wanna come with Renamon and me? I don't think you should go back to your place..."

"Thanks Rika, but I just need some time to myself..."

"But..." Rika began.

"Heartbreaker, let her be. She'll come to us when she wants to. Try to feel better, Jeri..." Renamon lightly led Rika away from her friend, trying to hold back her sympathetic tears.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Jeri entered the empty apartment, not surprised that no one was home. She often had to face such emptiness before. But for a brief time she had not been so alone. She'd had Leomon to keep her company. And more...

She sighed at plopped herself down on the sofa in front of the television. TV would be good. TV would probably help her. Something to take her mind off of all this. Ahhh, an anime. Something fun.

Jeri watched for a while, not knowing what was going on at all. It seemed to be about the Internet and a girl named Lain. The Internet would have been a bad enough thing to bring up, but then, this Lain girl seemed to have a certain suicidal streak...

**~~But something strange deep inside of me is happening~~**

~~I feel unlike I've ever felt~~

Jeri couldn't take her eyes away from the screen. Even after the episode was over she just sat there and stared. There was a feeling building inside of her. Something she couldn't explain at all. She just felt... different. Like she was alerted to something that had been gnawing at her. She didn't know just what it was. She felt sorta empty inside. Devoid of anything that she used to feel. Was that what it was like before Leomon? What did she fill all that with before him? Did she even notice that she had nothing? No parents always around to care for her, no siblings to be with, she didn't have friends really. She could only speak through her fox.

**~~And it's making me scared~~**

~~That I may not be what I think I am.~~

Jeri turned off the television and entered her room. She laid down on her bed and thought about just what else she was feeling besides the emptiness deep inside. There was a lack of interest in the world at large. No desire to associate with any person or thing in the world. Like she just wanted to leave.

Jeri curled up a little, hugging her body tightly just like Leomon used to. She realized, then, that she could still smell him on her pillow and her sheets. She was embraced by his lingering scent. "Leomon..." she mouthed, barely a breath able to pass her lips as the memories of her happiness flashed through her mind. Every kiss and caress, every long and tender night spent with the huge Digimon. She soaked her pillow with her tears as she contemplated leaving a world she didn't want. A world without her Leomon.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**~~What of us, what do I say?~~**

"Jeri? Are you here?" Henry knocked on Jeri's apartment door, listening for any sounds from within.

Ears were wrapped around his neck and small arms clung tightly to him. A soft whisper drifted past his ears.

"Where else could she be but here? Maybe she's asleep. I know she was sad but I can't think that she might be..." He trailed off, not wanting to consider it. He knocked on the door again, louder this time. He was rewarded by the sounds of shuffling from the other side of the door. "I knew she was home..." Henry commented as the door opened.

**~~Are we both from a different world?~~**

Jeri looked like a mess. Her eyes were red and puffy, showing how badly she had been crying. Her hair was a total and utter mess, tangled and mussed up. She was just barely dressed right, her clothing rumpled. The sharp contrast between the old Jeri and the one facing him was not at all lost on Henry. "Yes? What do you want?"

"We just came down to see how you were."

"I'm fine... You wanna come in?" Jeri stepped to the side to allow Henry into the apartment. He went inside slowly, realizing that there was more than a difference between the old Jeri and this one. There was a sharp contrast between her and him. He wasn't anywhere near her state. With no common ground he might not do anything but aggravate her. But it was too late. He was in.

**~~Cause every breath that I take, I breathe it for you.~~**

~~I couldn't face my life without you.~~

"Are you sure you're alright, Jeri? Everyone is worried about you. Even Rika is afraid for you, and you know how she is." Henry sat on Jeri's couch with her, watching her sit there with her shoulders slumped, looking totally defeated.

"I'm... ok I guess. It's just kinda hard without him. I can still feel him with me sometimes, can still hear him when I listen hard, can still smell him in my bed. I remember all the things we did, all the things we wanted to do when I was just a little bigger..." Fresh tears poured from Jeri's eyes. Henry reached forward to try and wipe them away, but a small arm tapped him on the shoulder, reminding him that Takato had tried it, without any luck.

**~~And I'm so afraid.~~**

"It must be so hard on you... I can't imagine what I'd do if..." Henry trailed off, looking away a little. For some reason he couldn't face Jeri. He had no right to be there. He hadn't lost anyone. He hadn't had his heart ripped in two. He felt, for once, inadequate, useless and inferior.

"I'm just so scared now. I can see how much scarier the world is now that Leomon isn't here to protect me. How come I never noticed all of this?"

"Before Leomon was here to help you deal with all of it you just ignored it. And when he was with you you just let it all happen, because you thought he'd be there to protect you. Now, though, you can't go back to ignoring it..."

**~~There's nothing to comfort us.~~**

"So what can I do?"

"Honestly, nothing..." The words were out before Henry could think better of it. The one clinging to him cringed as the blunt statement burst into the room, denying Jeri the tenderness she needed. Henry stood up quickly, stumbling back towards the door. "I'm sorry... I..."

"Just get out of here! I don't need to hear that." Jeri held her face, crying again. Her body shivered as each sob rocked her body.

Outside the door Henry rested against the wall in front of it, shaking his head a little."

"That was very cruel of you, Henry." Lopmon commented, adjusting her position to sit on his shoulder.

"I know, Lopmon, I know. I was just trying to be truthful but I guess I could have lied a little bit..."

"Should we do something else?"

"I'll call Rika. She and Renamon were close to Leomon and Jeri. They might be able to help her."

"She'll get better, don't worry."

"I hope so, Lopmon."

"Come on, we can go have a bath. It might get your mind off of things."

""We"?"

"Just like you talked about..."

"I guess it couldn't hurt..." Henry mused while he walked away from Jeri's door.

**~~What am I, if I can't be yours?~~**

Jeri lay there, face down on the couch, clutching the soft cushions and imagining they were Leomon, feeling his coarse fur running through her fingers, the hardness of his powerful muscles, the throb of his huge heart, the very pulse of his life. Everything concentrated into one moment of memory before it all started to slip away. "Don't go..." She whispered. "Don't leave me, Leomon. I love you so much..."

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**~~I don't sleep, don't feel a thing~~**

~~And my senses have all but gone.~~

"Is it supposed to feel like this?" Jeri asked Rika, who sat on Renamon's lap simply because she couldn't think of a nicer or more comforting place to sit.

"Love is a funny thing. It'll toy with you. Like a cat with a half-dead mouse. You'll feel your soul being torn into little ribbons and mended together again with a rusty needle..."

"Heartbreaker... Well... I can't say anything different. It's true that there is a lot of pain involved. But you get through it. You just learn to get past the heartache and you go on with your life."

"But neither of you really lost anyone..."

"I almost lost Renamon, a lot of times. And I..."

"I almost lost her to Icedevimon."

"Almost, almost, almost... Almost doesn't count." Jeri hugged herself tighter. She was wrapped in the large blanket Leomon used when he wanted to cover himself and Jeri. She could almost feel his warmth, locked into the cloth, as though the blanket held it's own memories of Leomon.

"I know... I honestly don't know exactly how you feel. But I can imagine it. It's a raw, ragged pain, running over every inch of you, digging through your mind to find your memories and tear every one of them out, just to mock you with them."

"How..?"

"Reprogramming center. My every waking moment was that, not knowing if Renamon was alive or dead, wanting her to be alive and ready to rescue me, but feeling that she must be dead. My heart was a lead weight, dragging along as I just hoped and dreamed, anything to keep me from believing that she was really gone." Renamon's grip on Rika got tighter, pressing the girl into the warm, plush softness of her fur.

**~~Can't even cry from the pain, can't shed a tear now.~~**

Jeri had run out of tears a while ago. She had long since cried out a river. She had surpassed the ocean, the salty fluid running from her along with her hopes and dreams, leaving her emptier than before. Had she thought it would have worked she would have gathered up her every tear and tried to remake Leomon drop by drop. "So you can tell... it just hurts so bad. But at least, I have all of you to help me..."

"We'll help in any way her can, Jeri." Renamon said, nuzzling the top of Rika's head.

**~~I realize we're not the same~~**

Jeri felt envious of Rika all of a sudden. Sure, she'd know the ragged, grating feeling of losing the one she loved most, but Rika was different. Her lover had come back from the dead. And, all things being equal, had Renamon actually died, she wouldn't have had to watch her die. She would have heard about it distantly after emerging, reprogrammed, from where she had been sent. But no, Renamon had lived and saved her. While Leomon had died, and she watched him die. They all just watched him die. "You all..." She whispered...

**~~And it's making me sad~~**

"What?" Rika asked, leaning forward a little to try and hear her friend.

"You all just watched..." Jeri's eyes, dead and cold ever since their return, sprang to life like glowing coals, holding all the emotions she hadn't yet expressed. So much had built up. So very much more. Even what she had expressed was just a fraction of the anger and sadness and everything else that flooded her.

Renamon clutches Rika tightly to her chest, pressing her head against her plush chestruff. "Jeri..."

"You all just watched... while he died!" Jeri hugged the blanket tighter than before, drawing in, doing physically what she had been doing mentally all her life. "All you did was watch him die..."

"Jeri, we didn't..." Rika started.

"Just go. Leave me alone. I don't want you here."

"If that's what you want." Renamon, wisely, decided to cut down on hostility and leave with Rika. Jeri was in no state to deal with anyone at all. Not even them.

"Renamon..." Rika said, even as she followed the Digimon out. Headstrong as she was she still bowed to Renamon's almost mystical ability to decipher almost any situation.

**~~Cause we can't fulfill our dreams in this life.~~**

Jeri shivered despite the warmth of the blanket. It seemed cold without Leomon's body to heat it, without the throb and pulse of his warm furry body or the bare flesh he would bare to her. Tender caresses and long, slow lovemaking. And plans for the future. A future they always thought they'd have. A future with so much promise. A future that lay in ruin at her feet.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**~~So I must, let us break free~~**

Jeri drifted through her home, half dreaming, half awake. There was a numbness to her entire perception. Things were real, and yet unreal. It was like nothing she had experienced before. Like she wasn't really living but she wasn't quite dead. The colors were muted and dull now. Or had they always been like that? Hue and brilliance were turned down, like a dimmer ready to be turned off. A slow and gradual shift into nothingness. Walking a slow and roundabout path to death. Unlike him. The flick of a switch was what he got. Living. Dead. On. Off. Luminous. Dark. Something. Nothing...

**~~I can never be what you need.~~**

Jeri drifted everywhere, while fuzzy, half-there memories wafted past her perception. Leomon holding her when she was scared. Kissing her when she was sad. Comforting her when she was hurt. Where was her lion heart now? Dead and buried. Locked away in whatever cold, cruel realm held him. He saw strength and promise in her. But she couldn't see it in herself.

As she passed the bathroom she remembered Leomon talking, telling her not to go near the little bottles in the cabinet, because they weren't good for her. Little red bottles with little white pills. Little white pills, solid drops of death. In tiny doses something to help grownups sleep. In big doses... Something to make little girls sleep forever? And if it was just sleeping forever, would she dream of him forever? An eternal dream that no one could wake her from, that no one could take from her. Ever.

She entered the room and opened up the medicine cabinet. Her eyes scanned over the rows of things, looking for something that was promising. She grabbed a bottle and brought it with her into the living room. She set it on the couch and then went to get a big glass of water. She'd need it. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to swallow them all. She set the glass on the coffee table and picked up the bottle. The top came off with an almost jaunty little pop, as sign, perhaps, for her to go on.

**~~If there was a way through the hurt,~~**

She slipped her fox onto her right hand, looking into it's button eyes. Before him, this had been her friend. Her companion. The one who helped her do everything.

"Arf! Are you really going to?"

A pause to consider. "I have to."

"Won't it hurt you?"

A smile. "No, it won't. In fact, this will take away my hurt. All that hurt will go away, and I won't have to feel it again."

"Are you sure?"

Another smile. "Little silly. Just watch..." She took the pill bottle and tipped it over, into the puppet's mouth, filling the inside with the white pills. Days before the space had held her D-arc. Empty and dead. Now it held a little payload of death. Or life. She was already dead to the world. Now she would be alive to her eternal dream. Slowly she caressed the puppet's head, cooing gently. "See? It doesn't hurt..."

**~~Then I would find it.~~**

"Now, give them to me. I want them now." The hand with the puppet came up, dragging the soft material over her silky skin. Their mouth's met, hers wide open, its closed tightly. The movement of her fingers opened the faux mouth, and into her awaiting mouth came the avalanche of white. She halted for a moment to make sure they were all there, before she took up the water and started to drink deeply. Each swallow sent a mixture of pills and liquid down her throat. She drank and drank until the last drop of water and the last pill was all gone.

She fell back onto the couch, waiting for whatever kind of end she had brought upon herself. Painful or peaceful. Long or short. A smile grew on her lips as mental fuzziness tap danced at the edge of her senses. "I told you..." She said to the puppet staring up at her, blank button eyes unmoving and mouth hanging open as though in shock at it's role. "I told you it wouldn't hurt..."

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**~~I'd take the blow; yes I would fight it.~~**

"I can't believe it..." One month later. All the tamers and Digimon sat in a large hall, facing down a child-sized wooden coffin. Henry shook his head and repeated himself. "I just can't believe it. Why did she do it?"

"Without Leomon to protect her she was afraid of the world. Without Leomon to tell her she was strong she became weak. She died of a broken heart. I'll bet she was dead long before she swallowed all those sleeping pills." Lopmon sagely stated.

"I... I just can't believe... can't believe she's gone..." Takato held his face in his hands and sobbed, shaking her head while he did so.

"She... not come back, Takatomon?"

"No... Not ever..."

"I wonder if any of us could have done anything." Henry asked of no one.

"We all tried to do something. Even if we had all been there she would have found a way to do it anyhow." Lopmon answered, clinging tightly to Henry's chest for comfort.

**~~But this is the one, impossible dream to live.~~**

"It's difficult to imagine it... That she's inside that box, just lying there. She always seemed to have too much energy to be still. But she is..." Renamon wiped a tear from her eye, a comforting hand on Rika's shoulder.

"She was my best friend. Besides you, Renamon, there was only her. We understood each other. Why I didn't see this coming is beyond me. I should have known." Rika gently set a wreath of flowers upon the wooden box. Tears sprang to her eyes, hot and stinging. "I should have known."

"It's not your fault, Heartbreaker. She was broken up inside. Even after picking up the pieces she couldn't put them together again. She was a jigsaw puzzle, broken pottery. Unmendable..."

Rika lowered her head, tears dripping from her eyes. All at once she started to scream and pound on the coffin lid. "No! Jeri! Why?!" Renamon started to drag her away, but thought better of it. She needed the release. "Just don't let it have been a waste! Let this have been worth it! Jeri just let this funeral have a meaning! Don't let it be you wasted it all for nothing! Let this have been worth it somehow!" With a final pound of both her fists she collapsed onto the coffin lid. "Let it be worthwhile in the end..."

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**~~What am I, if I can't be yours?~~**

_"Leomon!"_

**~Owari~**


End file.
